FERNANDEZ DROPS TO 1-1 AFTER RETURNING FROM NECK INJURY

Wild goalie Manny Fernandez dropped to 1-1 on the season after Minnesota was beaten by the Los Angeles Kings 2-1 Sunday night.

"Today's game was disappointing, but at least my neck feels good," said Fernandez after the game. The Wild goalie missed the season opener after suffering a bizarre injury: back spasms that were caused from toweling off after taking a shower.

"I was pretty embarrassed," said Fernandez about the injury. "But at least it was a muscle injury suffered after rigorous exercise. That's not so bad. I mean, at least I didn't do something stupid like fall down some stairs carrying groceries and break my collarbone. I'm sorry, did I say groceries? I meant deer meat."

MINNESOTA GOVERNOR: TIME TO DROP THE FUCK?

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty shocked fans at the Wild season opener Wednesday night when he announced that it was "time to drop the fuck."

Pawlenty, the night's special guest announcer, was supposed to say "It's time to drop the puck. So everybody say it with me - Let's play hockey!" Unfortunately, he ended up saying a slightly different word instead of puck.

The NHL said that any future appearances by Pawlenty will now be on a three-second tape delay.

PEREZHOGIN SCORES FIRST NHL GOAL

Montreal rookie Alexander Perezhogin scored his first NHL goal in the second period of tonight's game against the New York Rangers, giving Montreal a 3-2 lead. Canadiens coach Claude Julien said after the game, which Montreal won 4-3 in overtime, that he knew the 2001 first-round pick was going to be an impact player.

"If there's one thing Alexander's good at, it's brutally hitting other players in the face with his stick with two-handed, baseball-like swings, and causing unconsciousness, immediate on-ice convulsions, a concussion and twenty stitches. But if there's two things he's good at, the other thing would be scoring goals."

SUNDIN LOSES EYE

Toronto captain Mats Sundin has lost the use of his left eye after being struck in the face by a puck seven minutes into last night's game. Leafs coach Pat Quinn said that while the news was horrible, at least Toronto doesn't have to worry about Dale Purinton in the future.

PLAYERS NO LONGER INTIMIDATED BY GRETZKY, NOW TERRIFIED

Last week Coyotes winger Brett Hull told The Arizona Republic that his teammates are intimidated being coached by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.

The next day, Gretzky announced the hiring of his new Assistant Coach, former teammate Marty McSorley, who greeted the Phoenix players by dragging Hull behind Glendale Arena and beating him with a lead pipe for 17 minutes.

McSorley, who finished his NHL career with 359 points and 3,381 penalty minutes in 961 games, was most well known for being Gretzky’s enforcer, protecting him on the ice from physical abuse for ten seasons. However, McSorley was suspended from the NHL following an ugly incident in 2000, when he slashed Vancouver Canuck Donald Brashear in the head with his stick, knocking Brashear unconscious. McSorley was convicted of assault charges.

Ten years later, McSorley is back to his old tricks, making sure everyone gives The Great One the respect he deserves.

"I ain’t afraid of getting my hands dirty, or bloody," said McSorley. "I owe Wayne a lot, for giving me this chance. I was working as a garbageman part-time when he called me up, saying he had a ‘job’ for me to handle. It was like old times."

Since McSorley has stepped onto the bench beside Gretzky, there has been zero complaints from the remaining Coyotes. Gretzky attributes his team’s new solidarity to hard work, good team bonding, and the giant battle axe McSorley prowls the bench with.

"Brett’s comments were damaging to the team’s overall cohesion," said Gretzky to media after Hull was taken to the hospital. "While I respect his willingness to speak his mind, I hope this shows that our new team will not tolerate insubordination." After a few moments of stunned silence, winger Oleg Saprykin sneezed and McSorley hit him in the face with a wrench.

Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi, who missed the last 20 games in the 2003-04 season and was fined for a brutal attack from behind on Colorado's Steve Moore that left the Avalanche player with a broken neck, said Gretzky's creative move was inspiring.

"It's nice to know that no matter how thuggish you were as a player or how many players you nearly killed, there's always a spot for you behind the bench," said Bertuzzi.

Gretzky, who owns the team, also announced that the team name was being changed from The Phoenix Coyotes to The Horrible Phoenix Gore Hounds.

"We’re getting Rob Zombie to design our new team logo,” said Gretzky. “So far it has a maimed dog, lots of blood and some skulls. It’s pretty sweet."