FIDDLERMANIA BEGINS

Predators phenomenon Vernon Fiddler scored his first goal of the season and also tallied his first assist in Tuesday's 2-0 win against Calgary. Play had to be temporarily stopped after Fiddler's goal due to ecstatic Nashville fans hurling thousands of miniature fiddles onto the ice.

"VERN! VERN! VERN!" chanted the exhilarated crowd. The game almost had to be cancelled when large groups of Fiddlermaniacs (as they have come to be known) began climbing over the glass in excitement, but Fiddler saved the day by skating over to the timekeeper's box and asking that they calm themselves.

Now in this third NHL season, Fiddler seems poised to ascend to the upper ranks of the NHL elite. The undrafted Edmonton native, long heralded as the heart and soul of the still-green Predators franchise, has been described for years by hockey experts as "A combination of Gretzky, Orr, Richard and Dryden put together. And yes, we are aware that Dryden was a goaltender. Fiddler is that good."

The Music City seems to think so as well. The Predators were preparing to rename the franchise the Nashville Fiddles during the off-season, with unanimous support throughout the entire city, but the ever-humble Fiddler declined the honour, saying he was "happy to be a Predator." So instead, the city built a new arena shaped exactly like Fiddler's face, and designed a hugely successful souvenir/merchandise chain, including the mini fiddles and the incredibly popular "Fiddlesticks," a cinnamon wafer treat.

"Is there a better possible match in the NHL - except maybe Miroslav Satan and New Jersey - than Vernon Fiddler and Nashville?" said beaming Predators head coach Barry Trotz. "I intend to use Fids on the power play, to kill penalties, to take faceoffs, in overtime, in the shootout, as a goaltender in the shootout, to open the gates, to negotiate contracts for the other players, to fly our plane for road trips, the list goes on."

Tuesday was Fiddler's seventh game this season, which means the 25-year-old sensation is on pace to annihilate his previous season high of 4 goals. Projected scoring for the year have Fiddler leading the league in goals (158), assists (293), plus/minus (+576) and PIM (4,305).

AVERY BESMIRCHED BY SECOND FINE

When Kings center Sean Avery discovered he was being fined $1,000 for diving during a game, he let the Los Angeles Times know that he wasn't pleased with the new league rules.

"How can a guy sitting in an office in New York determine if you dived or not by watching a tape?" said Avery. "They don't know if you had a bad ankle or torn bursa sac or something."

The league did not appreciate his feedback, and fined him another $1,000 Tuesday.

Avery insists that these fines are just the latest in a conspiracy to punish him, and that there was "no question that [the fines] are a way (for the league) to do something to me. It has nothing to do with diving."

So far this year Avery has made derogatory comments about French NHL players, and been accused of racism by Edmonton's Georges Laraque.

Colin Campbell, the NHL's director of hockey operations, said that Avery's comments were uncalled for and that Avery had "besmirched the reputation of all NHL players, coaches, general managers and owners who, collectively, have been successful in providing a more entertaining game for our fans."

Upon hearing Campbell's remarks, Avery announced an immediate press conference, which was held in Avery's driveway.

"That figures that Colin Campbell would say that," said the seething Avery. "Comments like that, or not recognizing a huge milestone like celebrating my 500th penalty minute on October 13th, it just shows a lack of class they have."

"And what the hell does besmirched mean?" said a baffled Avery. "Is that some stupid french word?"

FERNANDEZ DROPS TO 1-1 AFTER RETURNING FROM NECK INJURY

Wild goalie Manny Fernandez dropped to 1-1 on the season after Minnesota was beaten by the Los Angeles Kings 2-1 Sunday night.

"Today's game was disappointing, but at least my neck feels good," said Fernandez after the game. The Wild goalie missed the season opener after suffering a bizarre injury: back spasms that were caused from toweling off after taking a shower.

"I was pretty embarrassed," said Fernandez about the injury. "But at least it was a muscle injury suffered after rigorous exercise. That's not so bad. I mean, at least I didn't do something stupid like fall down some stairs carrying groceries and break my collarbone. I'm sorry, did I say groceries? I meant deer meat."

MINNESOTA GOVERNOR: TIME TO DROP THE FUCK?

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty shocked fans at the Wild season opener Wednesday night when he announced that it was "time to drop the fuck."

Pawlenty, the night's special guest announcer, was supposed to say "It's time to drop the puck. So everybody say it with me - Let's play hockey!" Unfortunately, he ended up saying a slightly different word instead of puck.

The NHL said that any future appearances by Pawlenty will now be on a three-second tape delay.

PEREZHOGIN SCORES FIRST NHL GOAL

Montreal rookie Alexander Perezhogin scored his first NHL goal in the second period of tonight's game against the New York Rangers, giving Montreal a 3-2 lead. Canadiens coach Claude Julien said after the game, which Montreal won 4-3 in overtime, that he knew the 2001 first-round pick was going to be an impact player.

"If there's one thing Alexander's good at, it's brutally hitting other players in the face with his stick with two-handed, baseball-like swings, and causing unconsciousness, immediate on-ice convulsions, a concussion and twenty stitches. But if there's two things he's good at, the other thing would be scoring goals."

SUNDIN LOSES EYE

Toronto captain Mats Sundin has lost the use of his left eye after being struck in the face by a puck seven minutes into last night's game. Leafs coach Pat Quinn said that while the news was horrible, at least Toronto doesn't have to worry about Dale Purinton in the future.

PLAYERS NO LONGER INTIMIDATED BY GRETZKY, NOW TERRIFIED

Last week Coyotes winger Brett Hull told The Arizona Republic that his teammates are intimidated being coached by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.

The next day, Gretzky announced the hiring of his new Assistant Coach, former teammate Marty McSorley, who greeted the Phoenix players by dragging Hull behind Glendale Arena and beating him with a lead pipe for 17 minutes.

McSorley, who finished his NHL career with 359 points and 3,381 penalty minutes in 961 games, was most well known for being Gretzky’s enforcer, protecting him on the ice from physical abuse for ten seasons. However, McSorley was suspended from the NHL following an ugly incident in 2000, when he slashed Vancouver Canuck Donald Brashear in the head with his stick, knocking Brashear unconscious. McSorley was convicted of assault charges.

Ten years later, McSorley is back to his old tricks, making sure everyone gives The Great One the respect he deserves.

"I ain’t afraid of getting my hands dirty, or bloody," said McSorley. "I owe Wayne a lot, for giving me this chance. I was working as a garbageman part-time when he called me up, saying he had a ‘job’ for me to handle. It was like old times."

Since McSorley has stepped onto the bench beside Gretzky, there has been zero complaints from the remaining Coyotes. Gretzky attributes his team’s new solidarity to hard work, good team bonding, and the giant battle axe McSorley prowls the bench with.

"Brett’s comments were damaging to the team’s overall cohesion," said Gretzky to media after Hull was taken to the hospital. "While I respect his willingness to speak his mind, I hope this shows that our new team will not tolerate insubordination." After a few moments of stunned silence, winger Oleg Saprykin sneezed and McSorley hit him in the face with a wrench.

Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi, who missed the last 20 games in the 2003-04 season and was fined for a brutal attack from behind on Colorado's Steve Moore that left the Avalanche player with a broken neck, said Gretzky's creative move was inspiring.

"It's nice to know that no matter how thuggish you were as a player or how many players you nearly killed, there's always a spot for you behind the bench," said Bertuzzi.

Gretzky, who owns the team, also announced that the team name was being changed from The Phoenix Coyotes to The Horrible Phoenix Gore Hounds.

"We’re getting Rob Zombie to design our new team logo,” said Gretzky. “So far it has a maimed dog, lots of blood and some skulls. It’s pretty sweet."